I understand that many of you probably think I am crazy, and you know what, I probably am. I have taken so many detours in life that frankly, I am so lost right about now, that a cry for help and direction would definitely be in order. I am broken, lost, confused, and just about anything you wanted to call me would be acceptable. I surrender to the fact that I do not know what I am doing, but my grace and salvation died on a cross many years ago. I am grateful for his love and forgiveness, and frankly what he thinks about me is all that really matters to me.
Gender is not the solution to my problem, pain, and how to redirect it is. I hurt, there is such a deep pain inside of me which I have learned to mask and hide that instead of it being helpful it has created more turmoil than any human can handle. I am good at hiding things, but it has not been helpful in the least. In fact, hiding has created more of a problem than a solution.
When you are younger you rely on your parents to protect you, build you up, and teach you, but when that system fails what are you to do? You learn to self medicate, self stimulate, and create different coping mechanisms that allow you to go on with life.
So where am I today, back to the realization that I can’t be anything other than I was born to be, a female? I can’t fix my problems by changing my gender, pretending I am some strong bearded muscle guy who can take on the world. I know that without direction from my creator, I will continue to aimlessly roam this earth without direction and purpose. I have surrendered to the fact that I can’t do life on my own without his guidance.
I will be gentle with myself, I will take the time to listen deeply to his direction, I will be kind to myself and others because I don’t know how to do my life, what makes me think I can tell others how to live theirs. God is my beacon of light, my King, and redeemer. I want to know more about him, grow to be the daughter he made me to be, and surrender to his every need.
Be kind to yourself and each other, the world is hard enough on its own. Let us find the path of forgiveness and redemption.
Maritza Cummings
