When I reflect on my early life, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to women. I was born in Russia in 1997 and adopted into an American family in 1998. As a child, I was always drawn to the women around me--teachers, friends, even strangers. Then, when I was 10, a friend introduced me to porn for the first time. Already aware of my same-sex attraction, pornography only fueled my lustful desires, leaving me stuck in a trap of guilt, shame, and confusion for the next 13 years. I was completely lost, lonely, and scared. But I hid behind a mask. “Fake it ‘til you make it” was my motto. Even though I grew up in a Christian home and attended church, I didn’t take Jesus seriously.
I went along mostly for the social aspects of the church; it was just another place to meet girls. But a battle was constantly raging inside my head. The inner turmoil and the unhealthy, codependent relationships I cycled in and out of left me feeling bound, oppressed, and depressed. I hated who I was and who I was becoming, and I hated God. I believed that he had made me this way, so I didn’t understand why he would let me face such an intense struggle. Life was so exhausting that at one point I even became suicidal. Tired of living a double life.
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